You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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