Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
