this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
