I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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