I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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