Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
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It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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