Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
