The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
