Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
