Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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