Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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