The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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