Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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