I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
