He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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