I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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