I'm so fucking centered right now
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
