Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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