I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
