He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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