I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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