No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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