What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
