he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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