sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
