Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
