i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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