I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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