He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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