apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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