Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
