Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
