please come you make the beer taste better
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My life is pants optional.
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