If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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