I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
