I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just googled if crying burns calories
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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