she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
