my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
