I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
