Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
