Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Green mimosas i think yes
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
