people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
