I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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