I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
