he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
