You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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