You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
