The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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