you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
