the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
