so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
