I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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