Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
