Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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