I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
