I just threw up on my dentist
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
